The Story of Lardfest
Published 25 June 04 by Jefe
When Spanish Explorer Alvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca led the first Spanish expedition into New Mexico in 1532, he had to camp. He was not happy about this. He also was not happy about those heavy steel helmets with the feathers on top, but he wore one anyway.
In his journal he wrote, “[New Mexico] truly is the land of God. The mountains are more dramatic than any I have seen before, the sunsets a brilliant crimson and clover, over and over. Yet the terrain is often harsh and unforgiving. And the feather on top of my heavy steel helmet has fallen off 46 times already, and it’s not even fucking noon yet.”
Four young men discover lard
Four hundred and sixty years later, in the summer of 1992, a new expedition set out to relive part of Cabeza de Vaca’s glory. Moco Mulholland, Jaime Córdova and Chino Quintana, were about to graduate from Santa Fe High School, and had a burning desire to experience the untamed wilderness. It is often said to be truly alive one must look death in the eye, or if it’s dark, in the feet. These three young men had taken these words to heart. But they didn’t want to die themselves, so they invited along their friend Jefe Peters to face death for them. Jefe still had a year of high school ahead of him and not much to live for, so he readily agreed.
A few days after graduation, the four soon-to-be-vatos, loaded the Córdova family camper up with gear and drove north to Lake Hopewell. They took all kinds of things: signal flares, first aid kits, portable saws, toilet paper and any number of other wilderness survival supplies. The only thing they didn’t bring, at James’ behest, was vegetables. Instead, they fed on a constant diet of lard: lard-cooked hamburgers, lard-cooked pork chops, lard-cooked scrambled eggs, lard-cooked ‘taters and lard-cooked lard.
“That’s the way the original pioneers of Northern New Mexico ate,” James said, when reminiscing about the event a decade later. “In retrospect, it probably contributed to Moco’s first angioplasty at age 24, but that guy is so greasy it was gonna happen eventually.”
The new lard-based diet changed Jefe’s blood chemistry significantly. He slept no more than 4 hours during the entire trip, and by the end was he convinced the Vatican had tapped his phone and was planning to kidnap and deep-fry him.
Delusional paranoia aside, the four vatos spent their days exploring the surrounding wilderness, collecting numerous heavy pieces of cotton wood for James to carve into the cute little “santos” he sold to tourists at a 900% profit. They also fished in the lake and kept reminding Jefe that he still had one year of high school left. As Ralph Waldo Emerson noted a century before, nature has an amazing power to heal the body and the soul. For four wonderful days, Moco’s acne cleared up completely and Jefe’s legs were long enough to reach the truck pedals.
They returned back to civilization happy and healthy, with the exception of Jefe, who became car sick on the return trip due to all the lard sloshing around in his system and Chino, who, as a strict environmentalist and adherent to the principle of “take only photos, leave only footprints,” hadn’t taken a crap the whole time.
The expedition was such a success that the vatos decided to return to Hopewell the following summer. Sadly, Chino was unable to attend as he was still mourning his unrequited love for Willa, a simple, pretty girl he had spoken to once or twice in high school. Chino stayed in Santa Fe in the event he might run into her and say “hi” or something.
Without Chino, Lardfest II wasn’t the same, but it was still an enjoyable time for all the vatos involved. During this trip, Moco brought along an estimated 45,000,000 rolls of toilet paper. Often Moco would often disappear into the woods to “answer the call of nature.” Apparently the line was busy, because he usually didn’t return for several hours.
Moco discovers warm Lowenbrau
For Lardfest III a new element was introduced: beer. Moco took to the beer right way and was soon enthusiastically talking about the underwear of his girlfriend –soon to be wife– Kirste Knabe. However, the evening almost ended in tragedy. Alcohol brought out Moco’s inner lumberjack and he decided he wanted to chop wood. Drunk, he staggered off to find the axe. Chino picks up the story:
“The alcohol made Moco feel invincible, like he was a beer-drinking sex-god mountain-man ass-kicker. But in reality he was a skinny waiter at the Hotel St. Francis with .5% body fat, who got drunk off of half a warm Lowenbrau. From that moment on, as soon as we got the beer out, someone had to hide the axe. I usually put it in the brush where it was just dark enough that Moco couldn’t find it. And since Jaime had always really valued five digits on each hand, he wanted to bury it.”
Regretfully, Jefe was not in attendance, as his girlfriend Becca was visiting, and he was not permitted out of the house. But the general vato consensus was this was the best trip so far; the lard tasted fresher, the lake was cleaner and Moco had evolved into a axe-wielding, beer-powered dynamo.
Moco discovers more warm Lowenbrau
For Lardfest ‘95 the vatos –minus Chino, who stayed home to call his girlfriend– decided to go to Cabresto Lake. Jefe was nervous about being near both Jaime and a large body of water at the same time, but he finally succumbed. Again they brought beer, and Jaime and Jefe fed Moco full of warm Lowenbraus (while drinking the cold Sam Adams themselves) and sat back and watched them work their magic.
In no time at all, Moco was off trying to chop wood with the wrong end of the axe and talking about Kirste’s underwear. The following day, Moco –apparently still intoxicated– attempted to walk through Cabresto Lake on a dare from James. (right)
That evening Moco got drunk again, and gave his fellow Vatos more worldly advice about women and sex. “Eee, they’re all sexy. Jefe, your chest is so hairy. Eee, it’s all sexy. But not like Kirste’s. Hers is sexy with big old (expletive deleted).” That evening Jefe did not sleep.
Lardfest V
August 1996 was the fifth Lardfest. Sadly, Chino was unable to attend this landmark event, as he was living in Las Cruces and had to stay home with his sister. Again the vatos were a trio and they decided to return to Cabresto Lake. They arrived shortly after nightfall, delayed by a necessary trip to the Taos Wal-Mart to pick up a carton of Morel lard, which had inexplicably been forgotten.
The division of labor was usually like this: Jaime cooked up the hamburgers, pork chops, pork ‘n beans, bacon, eggs and ‘taters. Moco did the dishes and Jefe kept the axe away from Moco. Jaime and Jefe sat back and leisurely digested their meal by the campfire, while dish boy Moco was out in the dark, scrubbing away and attempting to remove a solid wall of lard from the pans. Things were about to explode
A scuffle broke out when, on a day hike, Moco pretended to push Jefe off a 100 foot ledge. Jefe was understandably alarmed, and felt the proper response was to break Moco’s jaw.
Fortunately Jaime was able to ease the situation by doing nothing and sitting back to enjoy the boxing match between the two vatos. As soon as they realized they were merely amusing Jaime, Moco and Jefe quit.
Later, while sitting by the lake, Moco asked Jaime for a nectarine. Instead of just tossing it to Moco, he decided to throw it as close to Jefe’s face as possible, without hitting him. Well, of course it did hit him, and the sound of the hard, not-quite-ripe nectarine striking his jaw ricocheted off the surrounding mountains. Jefe stood up, walked over and punched Jaime in the face and then quietly sat back down. Justice had been served.
Lard Sabbatical
In June ‘97 Moco married Kirste, and for the first time in five years there was no camping trip. The three bachelor vatos, in camping withdrawal, considered crashing Moco’s wedding night, but instead decided to just leave a “marital” guide and a couple of warm Lowenbrau’s outside the newlyweds’ hotel room.
The Return of Chino
The next Lardfest did not come until the summer of ‘99. And for the first time in five years Chino was in attendance.
Moco: “He had a lot to prove. Eating lard isn’t just like riding a bicycle, something you can pick up where you left off. You have to train for it, we all trained for it. Jefe would down whole sticks of butter in preparation for the camping trips and Jaime bathed in Canola oil.”
But Chino proved himself well beyond everyone’s expectations. Jaime attributed this ability to jump right back into the lard lifestyle to Chino’s extensive use of hair gel, which kept a certain amount of grease flowing through his system at all times.
Lardfest ‘99 has become legendary in vato circles as the camping trip where Jefe was kidnapped by aliens. Sleeping in the top part of the camper, above the cab, with only a few feet of vertical space, Jefe was having a nightmare about being imprisoned by aliens. He woke up suddenly, tried to sit up and banged his head on the ceiling. Feeling trapped, he started to scream until he realized he really wasn’t trapped aboard an alien space ship, but was in a camper with Jaime, Moco and Chino. And then he screamed a little more.
To date there have been no further Lardfests. After the summer Jaime returned to New Orleans to pursue of a PhD in Spanish Colonial Art, which is the study of art done by people who are long dead and therefore can’t contradict you when you say their work represents mankind’s eternal struggle against head lice. Jefe moved to Chicago to realize his life-long dream to work for a big corporation and pay for someone’s boat. Moco produced two beautiful daughters who, to everyone’s relief, don’t seem to have inherited his infamous “mooning gene.“ Chino remained in Santa Fe and, despite being the only vato to have a cell phone, is more difficult to get ahold of than the pope, specifically Pius IX, who is generally regarded as dead.
Someday the vatos will return to the wilderness, but for now the story moves on to the snow-capped Taos Valley, and Deathquest – Plummeting Towards Oblivion.